UNCOMFORTABLY
NUMB
(Act One)
Int. An office with two desks, two chairs, two men.
BIRD and BURTON sit behind a desk each. Their jackets are off and hang on the backs of their chairs. The sleeves of their white shirts are rolled up. Their ties hand loose around their necks. They are doing their best not to notice each other. An uneasy silence prevails.
BURTON
(suddenly, jovially)
Beautiful morning!
BIRD
(tiredly)
Is it?
BURTON
(less enthusiastically)
I thought so. Do you disagree? If you do, please say so.
BIRD
I can't say. The morning has escaped me. Or perhaps I escaped the morning. Either way, I didn't see it. But I'll take your word for it, that it was good.
BURTON
Thank you.
(pauses to pluck up the courage to speak)
Have you been here long?
BIRD
Not so long. I've been here longer.
You?
BURTON
Not so long as you. Long enough though. I could have been elsewhere you know. I was invited elsewhere, but I didn't go.
BIRD
(interested)
Where could you have gone?
BURTON
Anywhere. I could have gone anywhere. I don't have to be here. If I wanted, I could leave. Just like that.
(MORE)
BURTON (CONT'D)
(fails to click his fingers)
Couldn't you?
BIRD
I suppose so, if I felt inclined. BURTON
And you don't?
BIRD
(sadly, wistfully)
No, not any more.
BURTON
But you used to?
BIRD
Oh, yes, many years ago. I had many inclinations then. Too many, I fear. I inclined to this and to that. You know how it is.
BURTON
Yes, of course.
(emphatically)
I know.
BIRD
Where will you go?
BURTON
When?
BIRD
When you go from here.
BURTON
(panicked)
I didn't say I would! Did you hear me say I would? I merely said I could. If I wanted to, I could. See? You didn't listen. If you had listened...
BIRD
I did listen! I did! I just...misunderstood. Don't you want to leave?
BURTON
I do, but not yet. I'm not quite ready yet.
BIRD
What would you do?
BURTON
I would paint.
BIRD
(enthusiastically)
You can paint?
BURTON
No. But I would learn.
BIRD
What would you paint?
BURTON
Oh, people, trees, animals, landscapes that stretch for empty mile upon empty mile, endless miles. Or I could write a book.
BIRD
Yes, that's it. You could write a book. How exciting! A book! What would you write about?
BURTON
About? Oh, dear. That's a question! What should it be about? I've no idea. Ideas are not my forte. I'm more of a doing man. Do you understand? More of a doing man. Perhaps I could sing.
BIRD
Write, paint, sing! You're a talented man! You can do all those things and you're still here?
BURTON
(defensively)
So are you! I'm not alone, you know! You're here! You've been here longer than me.
(uneasy silence)
What's that on your arm? On your arm.
(leans over and points at BIRD's arm)
There. Tattoos? Are they tattoos? I'm sure they are. What do they say?
BIRD
Does it matter? Does it matter to you?
BURTON
I don't know. How can I know if they matter if I don't know what they say? They might matter if I knew what they were. They might be very important. They might change everything. That's what happens you know, when things change. Something happens that you don't know about, something important. I wouldn't want to miss it, really. It would be such a disappointment if I missed it. Such a waste, after all this time.
BIRD
Why make such a fuss? It could have passed you by. You would never have known and it wouldn't have mattered. But you had to make it so important, so relevant. It would never have been so if you had looked the other way. It would have been easier, for both of us. Now, if it turns out that it is important, we will have to change everything. We will have to adjust. Are you ready to adjust? To change? And if it's not important, think of the disappointment, the let down.
It would be a step back...
BURTON
But we have to try. It's our duty. We can't let it slip by. It wouldn't be right. Will you tell me?
BIRD
Yes. But only if you're ready. Are you ready?
BURTON Yes, I think so.
BIRD
Are you sure?
BURTON
Yes, I'm sure.
BIRD
Here we go then.
BURTON Here we go!
BIRD
(turns his arm to BURTON)
These are names.
BURTON
Names? Of what?
BIRD
Of people.
BURTON
Ah. Which people? Come on. I'm on the edge of my seat. Can't you feel my excitement? Please. Go on. Go on.
BIRD
What do you want from me?
BURTON
A chance. That's all. Just a chance.
BIRD
Alright! But don't blame me if it doesn't work.
BURTON
I won't blame you. How could I? It wouldn't be your fault. Continue. Please.
BIRD
They are the names of people that I once knew. They are long since gone. They have... moved on.
BURTON
From here? Moved on from here? How? They must have been very clever. Could they paint or sing or write? What did they do? How many were there?
(BURTON goes to BIRD and grab's his arm)
Let me count. One, two, three, four, five. Five? Five names! So what did they do? How did they get out?
BIRD
They are...
(whispers)
...demised.
BURTON
(he shrinks away)
A little drastic. All of them?
BIRD
Yes. They were not from here. BURTON
I'm relieved.
BIRD
So were they. Do you want more?
BURTON
Oh, yes. I'm interested. Who were they?
BIRD
I can't remember. They have names. They had faces. There was meaning to them once. Now I rarely notice them unless I wash that arm.
BURTON
How sad. How very sad.
BIRD
It could be. I 'm not sure.
BURTON
I'm sure it is. It must have been once, mustn't it?
BIRD
You must be right. Shall we talk about something else?
BURTON
What?
BIRD
It's your turn. You talk and I'll listen.
BURTON
(uncertainly)
Very well.
(pauses)
We are doing a good job here aren't we.
(pauses again)
How about children? Have you ever seen a child being born?
BIRD
No. It seems strange to me. A means to an end. No more.
BURTON
Oh, there is more.
BIRD
Tell me then. Tell me what more there is.
BURTON
Well, before it...finishes. You know.
(pauses sadly)
What did you do before you were here?
BIRD
(impatiently)
What did I do?
BURTON
Yes. Before today.
BIRD
The same. I did the same. I have always done the same. Ever since I can remember. But then my memory isn't what it used to be.
BURTON
Did you have a good memory?
BIRD
I think I must have done. A better one at least. I'm not entirely clear. Do you mind?
BURTON Not at all.
(proudly)
I was a doctor.
BIRD
You were?
BURTON
No. Not strictly speaking. But I had an inclination.
BIRD
I'm inclined to believe that we have more inclinations than are good for us.
BURTON
There's no harm in it.
BIRD
There's no good in it.
BURTON
(makes to stand up, but sits down again)
Should there be somebody else here?
BIRD
Without a doubt. I'm sure they'll arrive. Maybe they're lost.
BURTON
Maybe we are lost.
BIRD
I don't think so. I have always been here. How can I be lost? I would have noticed by now. Anyway, somebody would have come looking for me.
BURTON (spitefully)
Maybe not. Maybe they forgot about you. Maybe they don't care in the first place.
BIRD
Don't be ridiculous! You found me and you're not lost.
BURTON
I hope not. Oh, I hope not. You don't think I could be do you? It frightens me, the thought that I could be lost...
BIRD
Calm yourself. It is simply not possible. We have established that I am not lost, have we not? You found me, therefore I am no longer lost. You are with me and, if I am not lost, how could you possibly be? No need to panic. We will simply wait for someone to come along and, just to make sure, we'll ask them.
BURTON
Suppose they don't come? What then?
BIRD
Then they are lost. It stands to reason.
BURTON
Of course! Of course! I'm glad you're here. To reassure me. (there's a knock on the door)
Who's that?
BIRD
(panicking slightly)
I don't know.
BURTON
Invite them in. If you think we ought to. Do you think we should?
BIRD
I see no good reason why not.
BURTON
Do it then! Before they go! Quickly! Quickly! They might be important.
BIRD
Alright! Alright! I'll invite them in.
(pauses uncertainly) )
Should I say 'come in' or 'enter'?
BURTON
Either. No! Say 'enter'. It sounds more professional. More in control.
BIRD
Right then.
(calls timidly)
Enter. Come in. Oh, God. I've blown it! They're sure to leave now!
Shall I fetch them?
The door opens. A tea-lady with a trolley enters. The trolley has a pot of tea and some biscuits upon it.
BURTON
No. It's alright. Here they come.
Shall I invite them to sit? They may not want to. Say 'good morning'.
BIRD
Why me? Why don't you?
(to the LADY)
Good morning!
Lady
Tea?
BURTON
Tea?
BIRD
Tea?
LADY
Do you want tea?
BIRD (to BURTON) Do we?
BURTON
Yes. I think so. It would be a change.
BIRD
Two. Two teas. Thank you. Are we lost?
(raises a thumb to BURTON) LADY
No! You've always been here. BURTON
Always? Both of us?
LADY
Oh yes. Sugar?
BURTON
Two.
(to BIRD)
Sugar for you?
BIRD
Oh, sugar. Yes. I rather think that all this excitement has sapped my energy. I had better have three.
(to LADY)
Always? How long is that exactly? LADY
As long as I can remember. But my memory isn't as good as it used to be. A long time though. Definitely a long time.
BIRD
So we're not lost? I mean, I know we're not, but it's good to make sure.
LADY
(with a laugh)
Well, if you're lost, then I must be.
BURTON
You can't be. You found us. That's what he says.
BIRD
That's right. That's exactly what I said. You found us, so we can't be lost.
BURTON
She could have been lost before she found us. She could have...well...stumbled across us.
By accident.
(to LADY)
You didn't did you?
BIRD
Please say you didn't. We thought it was everybody else that was lost. Not us. We've always been here. We can't be lost.
LADY
I'm not lost! Oh, no! Not me! It's against the rules.
(MORE)
LADY (CONT'D)
I can't just go around losing myself. So if I'm not, then you can't be.
BURTON
But what about everybody else? Are they lost?
LADY
I can't talk for everybody else. They don't seem to be. But I can't tell until I get there. They may well be.
BURTON
Oh, dear.
LADY
But they may well not be. Anyway, I can't stay here chatting to you. It's against the rules.
LADY leaves the room.
BURTON
She's gone.
BIRD
She is.
BURTON
She seemed...sure.
BIRD
She did.
BURTON
I'm almost certain she was.
BIRD
Oh, so am I. I feel happier. All doubt gone. You?
BURTON
All gone.
(There's a knock at the door)
Who's that?
BIRD
I don't know. Shall I invite them in?
BURTON
Yes, do. I should hate to miss anything. Not now that I feel so positive.
BIRD
Quite right.
(aloud)
Enter. That's better.
LADY enters again
LADY
Tea?
BURTON
Tea?
BIRD
Tea?
BURTON
Oh dear. Is this a crisis?
BIRD
I think so.
(to LADY)
Are you lost?
LADY
Have you had tea?
BIRD
(holds up a cup and saucer)
It would seem so.
LADY
Then I think I must be.
BURTON
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Then we are lost. Nothing to do.
BIRD
Don't panic. She is lost. We are not. I found you, remember? If I am not lost, you are not lost. We are not lost!
BURTON
That's it. Only she is lost.
BIRD
We must ignore her. If we ignore her, she will go away.
BURTON
That's right.
(to LADY) )
Go on! Go away! Get lost!
LADY
I already am.
BIRD
She has a point.
BURTON
Then we must continue to ignore her.
BIRD
Agreed. Turn our backs on her.
BURTON
Fine. Let's do it.
They both turn their backs upon LADY
BIRD
That's better. No danger now.
BURTON
None. Is she gone?
BIRD
If I turn to look she may take it as an encouragement.
BURTON
If you don't we will never know. BIRD
Alright. I'll look.
(turns quickly to look)
Still there.
BURTON What's she doing?
BIRD
Nothing. Sitting down. Looking a little...lost.
BURTON
Don't stare. It might be catching.
BIRD
Well, we can't ignore her. I feel guilty. It's our duty to help.
BURTON
We must not get involved. It's too risky. It might be a trap.
BIRD
A trap? Surely not. She gave us tea.
BURTON That's true.
LADY
Help!
BIRD
She's calling. I can't stand to listen.
BURTON
There's nothing we can do. BIRD
We could kill her.
BURTON
(shocked, yet strangely curious)
How?
BIRD
Strangle her.
BURTON
I couldn't! My hands weren't made for strangling. You could do it.
BIRD
No! Not me! She would struggle and I haven't the strength.
BURTON
The teapot. We could hit her with the teapot.
BIRD
Too messy.
BURTON
We could empty it first, into the cups.
BIRD
The blood! I'm talking about the blood!
BURTON
Oh, I see.
LADY
Help!
BIRD
We must do something.
BURTON
We could throw her out. Show no mercy.
BIRD
We would have to stun her first. So that she couldn't fight. I would hate her to fight. The guilt would sap my strength further. How could we do it? The teapot again?
BURTON
(looks briefly around)
There is nothing else. Unless you wish to use a chair.
BIRD
Rather rules out the element of surprise. It's too big. Surprise is the key here I think. Who shall do it?
BURTON
Not I! No, no, no, no, no! Not I! She seems so... inoffensive. Look at her. I couldn't possibly...
BIRD
Then it must be me. Although, perhaps...
BURTON
Yes?
BIRD
Perhaps we could let her stay. She was kind to us after all.
(MORE)
BIRD (CONT'D)
She gave us tea. She said we weren't lost. She could quite easily have lied to us. She doesn't deserve this. No. We should help her. Let her stay if she wants.
BURTON Shall I ask her?
BIRD
I could ask her. I don't mind. BURTON
I would rather it was me.
BIRD
If you insist.
BURTON
I don't insist. I'd like to. That's all.
BIRD
Go ahead then. Don't mind me. Please, go ahead.
BURTON
Fine. What should I say?
BIRD
Say 'hello'. I often find that works. Although my experience is limited.
BURTON
But it generally works?
BIRD
In my experience.
BURTON
Here goes then.
(he makes to go to LADY)
BIRD
(grabs BURTON's arm)
Don't look into her eyes. Just in case.
BURTON
Just in case. A quick glance at first, to test the waters.
BIRD
A wise move.
BURTON
You think so?
BIRD
Undoubtedly.
(hesitates as Burton looks warily at LADY)
Are you going?
BURTON
Yes. Should I stroll casually, do you think? Or creep up on her?
BIRD
As you wish. I'm sure it doesn't matter. But don't run. It may startle her.
BURTON
Good idea. This is it then.
BIRD
Call me when you get there.
BURTON
Certainly.
(goes over to LADY. Calls back to BIRD)
I'm here.
(to LADY)
Hello.
LADY
Have you come to help?
BURTON
Yes. Would you like to join us? (looks uncertainly over at BIRD, who shields his face from them)
We're only over there. You can sit
with us.
(takes her by the arm and guides her back to BIRD, who turns nervously to greet her)
We're back. Here she is.
BIRD
Sit down. Sit down.
LADY
Am I lost?
BIRD
I rather fear that you are.
LADY
It's against the rules. Being lost is definitely against the rules.
BURTON
We won't tell anyone. Not a soul.
If you don't tell anyone, we won't.
(to BIRD)
Will we.
BIRD
No. Too dangerous.
(to LADY)
What do you do?
LADY
Do?
BIRD
To pass the time.
LADY
I make tea.
BIRD
Of course. Of course. Very good. Do you find this fulfilling?
LADY
Fulfilling?
BIRD
Stimulating. Interesting. Satisfying. Worth living for.
LADY
I've never thought about it. It's against the rules.
BIRD
I see.
LADY
And you? What do you do?
BIRD
(taken aback by the question)
(MORE)
BIRD (CONT'D)
Oh, this and that. I...we...that
is. ..both of us... we incline.
BURTON
We do. We are very inclined.
Towards many things. I was inclined to be a doctor.
LADY
A doctor! You must be very proud. BURTON
It was only an inclination. It was my last one.
BIRD
An astute move. Too many inclinations are very dangerous.
(to LADY)
Don't you agree?
LADY
I have never inclined. I couldn't say. Am I really lost?
BIRD
It is almost a certainty. We are not lost and never have been. We have always been here. You said so yourself. Having not experienced
it, I couldn't recognise it for sure. There's nothing you can do about it. Relax. Sit back. Have some tea. I suppose it will be cold by now. Never mind. I'm sorry for your loss.
LADY
But you said to him that I couldn't be lost. If you're not lost, then I can't be. That's what you said.
Tea?
BURTON (to BIRD)
That is what you said.
BIRD
I said that we are not lost...
BURTON (to LADY)
Tea? I'd love some...
BIRD
(to LADY)
I cannot speak for you...
LADY
(to BURTON) )
Sugar?
BURTON
As before.
BIRD
It stands to reason. Like I said. (aside to Burton)
We must stick together. You never know do you.
BURTON
What? What don't I know? What have I missed?
BIRD
(impatiently) )
Nothing. You have missed nothing. Don't worry. I'd let you know. I meant about her.
(both turn to look at LADY)
LADY
(smiles feebly)
Tea?
BURTON
Know what? What don't I know?
BIRD
Nothing.
BURTON
How can I know nothing? It's impossible to know nothing. One must always know something. It's like being nobody. Impossible! Nobody can be nobody.
BIRD
What I meant was that we must be careful of her. Is she who she says she is? She might be somebody else. Somebody she claims not to be.
BURTON
Who?
BIRD
I don't know. If I knew I would have no need to ask.
BURTON
I'm glad you don't know. I would hate to be alone. Should I ask her?
BIRD
No! We wouldn't want her think that we might know.
BURTON
We don't know!
BIRD
All the better. A little knowledge...
BURTON
Can be useful.
BIRD
Is a dangerous thing!
BURTON
Ah, yes. Of course. I remember.
BIRD
What? Tell me. What do you remember?
BURTON
That knowledge is dangerous.
BIRD
How do you know?
BURTON
I knew a man once.
BIRD
And?
BURTON
He tried to kill me.
BIRD
That's it! That's it! You've got it! Almost. What happened?
BURTON
He failed. But it was close. As close as I want to come.
BIRD
To come to...
BURTON
Yes?
BIRD
To...
(whispers)
...an unfitting demise?
BURTON
My thoughts exactly. An unfitting (whispers)
demise. Most inappropriate.
BIRD
But what would be a fitting...you know?
BURTON Something sudden.
BIRD
Oh yes. Something sudden. I wouldn't want to know.
BURTON
With dignity.
BIRD
Most certainly with dignity. It is necessary to have dignity when a (whispers)
demise is met. Although one wouldn't necessarily want to be there to see it, the dignity, or lack of it.
BURTON
This is true. There is no dignity in it. Maybe in the process, in the (whispers)
demising. Do you...worry?
BIRD
Worry? About...? No. I don't think about it. No time. Things to do. People to see. Places to go.
BURTON
Can I come with you? When you go?
BIRD
(tenderly)
Of course you can, old friend. If I go, you may come with me. I'm comfortable at the moment though. I've always been comfortable here.
I think.
BURTON
I'm sure. We both have.
(pauses)
I worry.
BIRD
You do? What about?
BURTON About...the end.
BIRD
The end? You mean...?
BURTON
Yes.
BIRD
Why?
BURTON
Well, it would be a shame. A real pity. To leave all this. We have always been here. To go somewhere else...I'm just not sure. But to have no choice...We never have.
BIRD
I have. I always have.
BURTON
No you haven't. You never have. It is the way of things. There is no other way. It's inevitable. You can't walk away from the inevitable.
BIRD
I can. I would have done, but for you. I stayed for you. I could have gone. I will go. I will. Now. I will go now.
(goes to door)
All I have to do is open this door. That's all. Then I'll be free.
BURTON
Fine. Go ahead. Please. I don't need you.
BIRD
(a little hurt)
You don't need me? You don't mind if I go?
BURTON
No.
BIRD
(opens the door an inch and peers out)
Are you sure?
BURTON
Yes.
BIRD
What do you think is out there? BURTON
Freedom. Like you said.
BIRD
Then I'll go.
(picks up hat and jacket, opens door and leaves)
BURTON
(worried)
Shit!
(notices LADY again)
Oh, shit! What to do? Suppose he was right? Suppose she isn't who she claims to be? I can't leave. I can't. I wouldn't know where to go, what to do. Maybe he'll come back. It would be good to see him, have a chat, talk over old times. Not that I need him. No, no, no! Not at all. We knew each other. We were... acquaintances. You know how it is. Hello. Goodbye. Such is life.
(looks warily at LADY)
Perhaps I should talk to her. Make a new acquaintance. Make her feel confident about me. I'm sure she needs a friend, an acquaintance. It would be good for her.
(looks sadly at door)
And for me. Mutually beneficial.
(walks slowly over to LADY and stands behind her.
BIRD lifts the teapot above her head, as if to hit her, but changes his mind. LADY turns to see him with the teapot in his hand. He steps back, startled)
Tea?
LADY
I hate the stuff. It gives me boils.
BURTON
But you sell it. How can you not like it? How can you sell something that you don't like?
LADY
I have to, to survive. It's the nature of things.
BURTON
Couldn't you do something else?
LADY
No.
BURTON
No? Why not?
LADY
There is nothing else. Never has been.
BURTON
Of course there is. Look at me. I could have done many things.
LADY
Did you?
BURTON No. But I could.
LADY
I'm sure. I'm sure we both could. I just never knew of anything.
BURTON
But are you happy?
LADY
Happy? I never thought about it. It's against the rules anyway. Suppose everybody started thinking? All at once? What kind of a mess would that make?
(slightly hysterically)
I know my place. If I started thinking...well...I don't know. Who would make the tea?
BURTON
(eagerly)
I would. It would be a change. I could do it. I think.
LADY
And who would take your place? You see? You see? One careless thought and the system would collapse. No tea. Who would make the tea?
BURTON
Who would take my place?
LADY
Exactly.
BURTON
Does tea really give you boils?
LADY
Oh, yes. It's congenial.
BURTON
Congenital. You mean congenital. LADY
No. I inherited it from my father. If he so much as sniffed a leaf he came up in lumps. Played havoc at breakfast. Gave up drinking in the end. Dried up like a prune and faded away.
BURTON You mean...
LADY
(nods head sadly)
Yes.
(whispers)
Demised. We cremated him. Burnt well though. They said it was ‘cause he had no juices left in him. I suppose that makes sense.
BURTON
If anything ever did.
LADY
And you. What do you do?
BURTON
Oh, many things.
LADY
Such as?
BURTON
Import. Export.
LADY
Yes?
BURTON
This. That.
LADY
Do you enjoy it?
BURTON
I've not thought about it. It's safer that way. That's what you said isn't it? I just do it. In. Out. Here to there. Day in. Day out. It serves a purpose.
LADY
(interested)
Which is?
BURTON
(thinks about the question)
It fills the gaps. Between times.
LADY
What times?
BURTON
Well, the beginning...
LADY
And?
BURTON (whispers)
The end.
LADY
(nods in understanding, then looks around the room)
Where's your friend?
BURTON
Who?
LADY
Your friend.
BURTON
(matter-of-factly)
He left. He wanted to be free. So he left.
LADY
(laughing)
What? Out there? He'll be lucky! He'd better watch out. They might get him.
BURTON
(worried)
Who? Who might get him?
LADY
(suddenly distant)
Nobody. It doesn't matter. Tea?
Somebody knocks at the door.
BURTON What's that?
LADY
(calmly)
It's somebody at the door. Answer it.
BURTON
Should I call them in?
LADY
If you want.
BURTON
Or should I open the door?
LADY
(impatiently)
As you want!
BURTON
I don't know. I don't know. I'm really not very good at this sort of thing. I'll open the door.
Burton goes to the door and stands hesitantly, unsure whether he should open it. Scuttles back to his chair
BURTON (CONT'D)
I'll call.
LADY
Well, do it now! They'll be dust before you make up your mind!
BURTON
Alright! Alright! It's not a light decision. Who knows what will happen? It could have consequences.
LADY
Not at this rate!
BURTON
Alright! I'll call. Enter!
BIRD comes in and sits down
BURTON (CONT'D)
You're back! You're back! You came back!
BIRD
(despondent) Yes. I came back.
BURTON
Well? What happened?
BIRD
Nothing.
BURTON
Nothing?
BIRD
No! Nothing! I found this!
BURTON
What is this?
BIRD
What's this? It's a tomato!
BURTON
I know that. What I meant to say was 'why?'. Why do you have a tomato?
BIRD
I found it. On a plant.
BURTON Whose plant?
BIRD
I don't know. It was there, so I took it.
BURTON (shocked)
You stole it? You stole somebody's tomato?
BIRD
No! Yes.
BURTON
This is Freedom? You went looking for Freedom and came back with a tomato?
BIRD
It's a good tomato.
LADY
It is. I know. I'm a woman. Women know about these things.
BURTON
What about Freedom?
BIRD
It's symbolic! It was enterprise. It was there so I took it. Veni. Vidi. Vici.
BURTON
You cannot conquer a tomato!
BIRD
I know that! I conquered the man that I took it from.
BURTON Did you beat him?
BIRD
No!
BURTON
Did you frighten him away?
BIRD
No.
BURTON What did you do?
BIRD
I stole his tomato!
BURTON
This is not Freedom!
LADY
But it is a good tomato.
BURTON (exasperated)
What did you find? What did you learn?
BIRD
I found a tomato!
BURTON
(angrily)
I know! Tell me! Tell me what you learned. What was beyond that door?
BIRD
There was nothing. Believe me, there was nothing.
BURTON
Maybe you missed something.
BIRD
I missed you.
BURTON
You did?
BIRD
Of course.
BURTON
A lot?
BIRD
A little.
BURTON
Please tell me what was there.
BIRD
There was nothing. So I came back. Back to familiarity.
BURTON
To breed contempt?
BIRD
To be content.
BURTON
And are you?
BIRD
(ignores question. Claps hands together jovially)
Time for tea I think.
LADY
Tea?
BIRD
Oh, yes. Strong, like before. To drown my thirst.
BURTON
And your sorrows.
picks up tomato
BURTON (CONT'D)
What shall we do with this?
he places the tomato back down upon BIRD's desk
BIRD
I've no idea. We could eat it. We could have it with tea.
BURTON
A taste of victory!
BIRD
On the other hand...
BURTON
Yes?
BIRD
We could keep it to admire. Something to look back upon. To remind us of today.
BURTON
A trophy. We could frame it. Or put it on a pedestal. Each day we could take our seats, look at it, admire it and feel proud.
BIRD
We can feel proud.
LADY
(brings over tea. BURTON and BIRD drink. LADY stands next to table)
You did a good job. To go out there, with them, and come back. I wouldn't do it, if I didn't have to, to survive. They're a strange bunch. I see them, each hour of each day, bits of soggy biscuit nesting in their moustaches. They wouldn't do what you did. They wouldn't step outside their doors and come back with such a trophy. (to Burton)
You shouldn't be so cruel. You shouldn't criticise.
Lady sits on table and squashes tomato
BIRD
(he screams hysterically)
My tomato! You've squashed my tomato! My prize!
BURTON
(as if to soothe)
It was only a tomato.
BIRD
It was a monument! I could have died going out there!
BURTON
(angrily)
You could have lived!
BIRD
No! No I couldn't. Not out there! There was nothing. There was no life. There was nothing to live for. I saw a door. I knocked.
Nobody answered. I went in. There was somebody opposite me. They smiled and took off their hat. They said 'hello'. And then I saw it was a mirror. I had taken my hat off to myself. I hadn't recognised myself! In the first second that I saw the man I thought, 'Oh joy! that I am not like that, so plain, so tired, so unrecognisably me'. I ran away, out of that room, as fast as I could. I didn't know where I was going. Then I saw the plant and the tomato. So I stopped and picked it and ran off again. It was a sign of life. It was a Victory. My Victory. I saw life and I took it. And now it's gone. Some uninvited stranger has dropped her unthinking arse into my world and mashed my dreams. They were my dreams!
BURTON
(embraces BIRD)
Our dreams. They were our dreams. There'll be others.
BIRD
No. One chance. That's all we had. One chance.
(BIRD begins to cry)
BURTON
We could try again. It wasn't the only tomato.
BIRD
It was. The last one. See. It was ripe. It was full of juice. I could hear the plant strain under the weight as it struggled to break away. The stem was bent to the ground, to drop it unbruised to safety. It was ripe for the picking. All the others were gone. There was one small one left, withered with time, long past it's best, so dry, so light it floated on the wisp of a breeze from a closing door. No good to anyone. But this one. This one cried, begged, for release, for fulfilment, and I had it. Then she destroyed it. Do you understand? There were no more. No plants; no fruit.
BURTON
Really no more?
BIRD
Not a one.
BURTON
Maybe next year...
BIRD
There's always next year. There always has been. Every year we have known, you and I, that it was there, somewhere. Every year we ignored it, feared it. Every year we have left it to some brave other. Until today. The hormones rose, I felt a flush of bravado, a lust for confirmation, a fear that next year may be cancelled. So I went for it, and got it, then watched it destroyed before my eyes.
BURTON
And there were no more. BIRD
No.
BURTON
Our one chance gone.
BIRD
Gone.
They sit in a hopeless silence. BURTON fiddles with the teapot and slyly empties the contents onto the floor.
LADY
(scathingly)
It was only a tomato. What do you need it for? I don't need it. I never have. I have what I have and am content. My needs are met. What I have is all that I get. That is the way. There is no more. Not for me. Not for you.
BURTON
(angrily)
Not for you! Not for you? How do you know? Your contentment is disgusting! What about him? What about me? Should we nod our submissive heads and paint the fence that hems us in? Should we not glance beyond it with wonder and hope, even with fear? Should we allow the common terror, the infectious decay of apathetic satisfaction, to stifle us?
BURTON brings the teapot down upon LADY's head. She falls to the ground
BURTON (CONT'D)
Tea?
BIRD
What have you done?
BURTON
I hit her.
BIRD
Why?
BURTON
It seemed the right thing to do at the time.
BIRD
Is she...?
BURTON
I've no idea.
BIRD kneels down next to LADY's body and examines her
BIRD
I think she is.
BURTON
Oh.
BIRD
'Oh'? Is that it? 'Oh'? You cave her head in with a teapot and say 'Oh'? That teapot is company property!
BURTON
Oh dear. I see. That is a problem.
We had better clear it up.
BIRD
(agreeing)
Get rid of it.
BURTON
Bury the pieces. A bit here. A bit there.
They scrabble around for pieces of teapot. They hide them in pockets and drawers, the bulk of it under a rug.
BIRD
All gone?
BURTON
(relieved)
All gone.
BIRD
That as a bit close.
BURTON
It was.
(they both laugh loudly)
But exciting. It was exciting.
BIRD
It was, wasn't it!
BURTON
What shall we do now?
BIRD
Something as exciting. Feel my heart. Here. Feel it.
BIRD grabs BURTON's hand and presses to his chest
BIRD (CONT'D)
Strong, eh? Alive!
BURTON
It is. I can feel it up in my shoulder. I never realised.
BIRD
Neither did I. I feel dizzy, as if I'm floating.
BURTON
I'm flying! We should celebrate.
BIRD
Wildly.
BURTON
With tea.
BIRD
Oh, yes!
BURTON
(calls)
Woman! Bring tea!
BIRD
And biscuits?
BURTON
(aloud)
And biscuits.
They wait expectantly. The tea does not arrive.
BIRD
Well, where's the tea?
BURTON
I don't know.
(aloud)
Woman! Bring tea!
BIRD
(looks at the ground and notices LADY's body)
I don't believe it!
BURTON
What?
BIRD
She's done it again. Look at her! Lying there! No consideration!
BURTON None at all!
BIRD
Can't resist it can she. Has to ruin everything. I mean, why is she doing this? Why does she just lie there?
BURTON
I hit her.
BIRD
You did! Of course. Then it's your fault.
BURTON
In a roundabout sort of way.
BIRD
Whichever way.
BURTON
If that's the way you want to look at it.
BIRD
It is.
BURTON
But she destroyed your tomato.
BIRD
And then you destroyed her. And our tea. I don't ask for much, do I. Do I?
BURTON (ashamed)
No.
BIRD
This is your fault, you realise that.
BURTON
But I did it for you.
BIRD
Did I ask for it? Did I? Did I say 'break her head with that teapot'? Did I? No. And now you have ruined everything.
BURTON
You started it!
BIRD
I did not!
BURTON
You did. It was you. When you left. I didn't ask you to leave. You just went. We were doing fine. I was content. I hoped, of course. We all hope. But I didn't need. Then you came back. Things had changed. What did you expect? You can't do what you did and think nothing will change. She didn't like it. She tried to stop it. What was I to do? Her words left a vacuum. You cried. She had to go. It is the nature of things. Once the change is made, it must go on.
BIRD
I only did it for you.
BURTON
I know, old friend.
BIRD
And what of her?
BURTON
We must get rid of her. Hide her. BIRD
Why? She was a means to an end, that's all. Of no more consequence.
BURTON
Not to us, but others might miss her. If they find out it was us, who knows what they will do.
BIRD
They might hang us.
BURTON
That would make it worth staying. No, they would not be so kind.
BIRD
So what shall we do?
BURTON
We can roll her up in the rug. Then we could hide her behind the desk. Nobody would find her.
BIRD
They would eventually. She would melt. That's only natural. They would sniff her out.
BURTON
Then we must leave.
BIRD
(fearstruck)
Leave? What? Here?
BURTON
We must. We can't stay. Don't you see? We would be at their mercy.
BIRD
Go somewhere else? Out there?
BURTON
It's beyond us now. Choice has fled.
BIRD
Then we must do as you say.
BURTON
Grab her feet, then help me put her on the rug.
BURTON and BIRD lift LADY to the rug and straighten her out. They then roll the rug around her. Once done, they carry it with effort to behind a desk.
BIRD
That's it. She was heavy.
BURTON
She'll soon lose weight.
BIRD
That's you all over. So positive.
BURTON
I try my best.
they sit down to catch their breath
BURTON (CONT'D)
Shame about the tea.
BIRD
It is.
(looks at the space where the rug has been, then kneels down at starts picking at the floor)
Teapot! Damn the woman!
(turns to BURTON)
Teapot! Under the rug. There were bits of teapot!
BURTON
(despairing)
Even in demise the woman pulses revenge.
BIRD
What shall we do?
BURTON
We must put the rug back.
They retrieve the rug with the body still in it and roll it back out over the floor. Lady's body rolls limply with the rug
BURTON (CONT'D) That's better.
BIRD
(points at LADY)
What about her?
BURTON
Is she still there?
BIRD
Yes.
BURTON
Roll it up again. Roll it up.
They roll the rug up
BURTON (CONT'D)
Now let's pick up the pieces.
BIRD
If only we could!
They collect the pieces of teapot
BIRD (CONT'D)
Now what?
BURTON
Unroll the rug.
They unroll the rug and BURTON throws the pieces of teapot over the body of LADY. BIRD does the same
BURTON (CONT'D)
Now roll it up again.
They roll it up and put the rug with the body in it back behind the desk
BURTON (CONT'D)
That's it then. Now we must leave.
BIRD
I don't know if I can. Not again. Once is enough. Enough for my lifetime. I don't know if I can do it again.
BURTON
(grabs BURTON by the shoulders)
Together. We can do it together. As long as we have each other. The rest don't matter. We are worth all of them.
BIRD
Then why must we go? If we are so great, if we don't need them, if, together, we are worth all of them, why must we go?
BURTON
Because I might be wrong.
They pick up their jackets and hats. BURTON ushers BIRD towards the door. BIRD opens it gingerly and is pushed out by BURTON, who takes one last look around the room, leaves and shuts the door behind him. A few seconds later the door is opened again and left ajar.
FADE TO BLACK.