Mayflies
By
Christopher Bradbury
Thirty-nine years ago – New York
EXT. AN OLD BROWN TOWNHOUSE IN NEW YORK- DAY
There are steps leading up to the main door. A mother, Grace Street, takes her son, Raley, up the steps while holding his hand. He has no objections. We see a flash of brass on the outside wall as they go inside. The sign says: DR MALCOLM FISHKIND, MD:
INT - THE MD PRACTICE RECPETION - DAY
There are some empty seats and a few patients dotted about. The mother, child in tow, goes to the reception desk. A receptionist dressed in white, unheard by us, takes their details and asks them to take a seat, which they do. Grace is nervous, afraid that she might see someone she knows, that her name might be announced loudly. After a short time, a woman, mildly tearful, leaves Dr Fishkind’s room. After a couple more minutes, Dr Fishkind comes out of his room and invites Grace and Raley in. She hurries in, Raley struggling to keep up. The door is closed in our face.
INT - DR FISHKIND’S ROOM - DAY
Dr Fishkind, a late middle-aged man with half-moon glasses on his nose, who’s seen it all, listens to Grace. He has a kindly half-smile on his lips and his eyes are devoted to her every word.
GRACE
He drifts.
DR FISHKIND
He drifts?
GRACE
Yes, he drifts. Daydreams. It’s like he switches himself off. He doesn’t pay attention in class. The teachers think he has a disorder. It’s the same at home. One minute his father’s talking to him, the next he might as well be talking to a statue. It is a little creepy, I have to say. I know I’m his mother, but I do have to say.
DR FISHKIND
(looking at Raley, then returning to Grace)
‘You know, kids this age, they have invisible friends. It helps them to work out what they don’t understand, to make sense of the world. It’s normal.’
GRACE
(mildly indignant)
That’s no friend. It’s a demon. He’s possessed. I bet he got hold of one of those Ouija boards and started talking to unfriendly spirits. They’re all the rage, these things. All the rage.’
DR FISHKIND
(he rests his chin upon his hands and peers at Grace over his glasses)
Unfriendly spirits? Demons? Does this look like a holy place, Mrs Street? I’m a medical doctor, not a witch doctor.
(with no response from Grace, he turns towards Raley)
Raley? Do you hear me?’
RALEY
(Raley gazes lazily into the middle distance.)
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Do you pay attention in class?’
RALEY
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Do you listen to your father?
RALEY
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Do you listen to your mother?
RALEY
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
How’s school?
RALEY
Fine thank you, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Do you get on with the other kids?
RALEY
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Any friends?
RALEY
Not really, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Do you ever talk to anyone? Perhaps someone no one else can see.
For the first time, Raley hesitates. He looks at his mother.
GRACE
The doctor asked you a question. Talk to the man, Raley.
RALEY
I have a friend.
DR FISHKIND
What’s his name?
RALEY
(he again looks at his mother. She eggs him on impatiently)
Leary.
GRACE
Oh, not this again!
Dr Fishkind ignores Grace.
DR FISHKIND
That’s a bit like Raley, isn’t it? Only the letters are in a different order. Like an anagram.
RALEY
Yes, sir.
DR FISHKIND
Does he help you with things?
RALEY
(considers the question)
No, sir. He’s kind of an asshole.
Raley’s mother clips him across the back of the head.
GRACE
What’s the matter with you? You can’t say asshole in front of an educated man like Dr Fishkind.
RALEY
Sorry, Dr Fishkind.
DR FISHKIND
It’s okay, kid. An asshole’s an asshole in any language.
(to Grace)
How are his grades?
GRACE
His grades? Straight As. The boy’s a genius. You wouldn’t know to look at him. I mean, look at him. It’s like you’re waiting for someone to put their hand up his ass and bring him to life. He didn’t blink for ten minutes the other day. Ten minutes! How can you not blink for ten minutes? It makes my eyes water just thinking about it.
DR FISHKIND
You were timing his blinking?
GRACE
It was unnerving, Doctor.
DR FISHKIND
How are his eyes?
GRACE
Distant.
DR FISHKIND
No, I mean, how are his eyes? Have you had them tested? What about his hearing? Have you had that tested?
GRACE
Why would I?
DR FISHKIND
Why not?
GRACE
(Mrs Street leans conspiratorially forward in her chair)
You don’t think it’s his brain that’s the problem?
DR FISHKIND
Mrs Street, let’s do the easy stuff first. Eyes and ears. After that we can, if necessary, refer him onto someone who looks into that sort of thing’
GRACE
You mean a psychiatrist?
DR FISHKIND
Maybe.
GRACE
He’s not mad, Doctor, he’s distracted. What will people say if they see me coming out of the psychiatrist’s with him in tow, sucking his thumb because he got stuck in some sort of regression therapy?
DR FISHKIND
Eyes and ears, Mrs Street. Eyes and ears. I’ll write you a letter for my good friend Dr Herxheimer. He’ll take a look at his eyes. If that turns out to be nothing, I’ll do you a letter for Dr Tischman. He’s very good with ears is Dr Tischman. See Dr Herxheimer first though. Eyes, then ears. Easiest to most difficult.’
Mrs Street regards Raley with the affection that someone saves for a three-legged dog.
GRACE
Okay, if you say so.
V.O
Raley eventually ended up with glasses. It turned out that he had in fact, for some time, been seeing the world through what could only be described as frosty-morning-glass. His mother was happy with this. Something had been done. His father was happy with this because his wife was happy with this. Raley continued to drift and continued to get straight As. He never let himself interrupt his life, only help him on the journey.
EXT. A UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY
People busy themselves on the way to class etc. Aerial view. Move in to a window and then through the window...
INT. A LECTURE THEATRE - DAY
Professor Raley Street stands before an unenthusiastic history class. The camera skims the students some of whom are doodling, some are scrolling through their phones, others daydreaming. The odd few pay attention. The camera turns slowly towards Raley who lectures enthusiastically, despite the comatose auditorium.
RALEY
So, when you look at the Egyptians, although you can define them by name, you’re not simply looking at a single, confined era. You have the Old Kingdom, the Middle Kingdom and the New Kingdom and after all that...
Raley’s voice slowly begins to fade as his eyes take in the myriad pictures of misery before him. They hold for a second longer on one girl, a beautiful girl, who listens intently, then move on again to the daydreaming others.
RALEY(Contd)
...you have the Late New Kingdom and it’s important to remember that these kingdoms do not stand in isolation; each kingdom bleeds into another. And each kingdom itself can be broken down into layers, through the dynasties and the individuals within those...
His talking voice fades but remains ever-present in the background. With a ‘pop’, he divides like a cell and next to him stands Leary, identical to Raley, but somehow darker, somehow stained, somehow slightly out of focus. Raley does not react but for a quick, pursed-lipped, annoyed glance at Leary.
LEARY
My God, look at them. They cannot wait to get out of here. They don’t care about history. They don’t even care about this morning never mind three thousand years ago. They have no concept of consequences and time, that what a person does today might dictate what the world does tomorrow. I don’t know why you teach history. No one cares. Remember when you asked that kid about Nefertiti? He said ‘Who?’.You said, ‘What are you, an owl?’ He threw a pen at you; at you. He threw a pen at you. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? When you were at school if a teacher threw something at you, you took it as a compliment. At least, you did. You were pretty needy. You remember that geography teacher threw a desk at you? She was so strong. If you throw something at a student nowadays, it’s assault. Assault? You? You couldn’t throw anything across a room without oxygen and a team of medics standing by. Look at your arms. There’s more meat on an avocado.
(beat.)
I mean, why are they here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? You might as well be at home, making a sandwich; brown bread of course, just to keep things turning over, and some mayo, light, maybe some corned beef and bit of salad. What about a drink? Beer? Is it too early for beer?
Raley looks at his watch.
LEARY(CONT'D)
No. It’s nearly the end of the day. Why not?
A door opens at the top of the theatre and a man, Doug Jenkins, comes in. Raley looks up. They acknowledge each other.
LEARY (CONT'D)
Oh, crap! Now what? What can you possibly have done wrong now? You’ve done all your paperwork. You’ve marked every paper between here and the early dynastic period. You even left your bicycle in a safe place since Molly Tasker tripped over it and broke her wrist. It’s true what they say; never work with animals, children, family and friends. Throw a chicken in here and you might as well just give up work.
Doug taps his watch and gives a wind up gesture. Leary rolls his eyes as he gets reabsorbed into Raley. Raley’s voice comes back to the fore.
RALEY
(aloud to class)
So tomorrow we’ll look at the transition from the Early Dynastic period to the Old Kingdom. (he sighs miserably) Okay. Go. Just try and read something between now and next time. A history book would be useful.
The students make a bolt for the exit. Doug works his way through the stream of students towards Raley. A female student, the one who his eyes rested upon, comes over to Raley.
JENNY
Professor Street?
RALEY
(watching the approach of the man with nervousness)
Jenny. Hi. What can I do for you? Was something unclear? The whole four kingdoms thing can be a bit heavy...
JENNY
Oh, no, no, no. We were all going for a drink at Benny’s and I wondered if...
RALEY
Yes?
JENNY
If you want to come along...
RALEY
Who?
(he looks around uncertainly)
Me? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules. And I find that alcohol makes me drunk. Very drunk, especially if I have too much, so maybe, better not...
Doug reaches them and stands with his arms crossed, observing. He appears mildly amused.
JENNY
Okay. Well, if you change your mind, we’re making an evening of it. It’s my birthday.
RALEY
Really? Well, happy birthday. I hope you’re old enough to drink now.
JENNY
I’m twenty-two...
RALEY
Well, there you go. You’re overqualified...
JENNY
It’s all research-based too.
They laugh politely. She raises a hand in goodbye.
JENNY(CONT'D)
Bye. See you later maybe.
She leaves.
RALEY
(to the back of the departing beauty)
Oh, I doubt it. I’m just going to go home and cry, as usual.
He watches Jenny go.
DOUG
You dog.
RALEY
What?
DOUG
You dirty dog!
RALEY
Me? No...I...are you serious? Are you crazy?
DOUG
She likes you.
RALEY
What? What do you mean, ‘she likes you’? What does that even mean?
DOUG
Are you blind? Has marriage turned you completely numb?
RALEY
Only below the waist. What do you mean?
DOUG
Okay, so, a pretty student stays behind after class, asks you out for a drink and then tells you it’s her birthday and tells you her age. If that’s not a hall pass, I don’t know what is.
Raley begins to collect his things and put them in a well-worn bag.
RALEY
Doug? What do you want? I’m done. I want to go home. I have some crying to do. What did I do this time? Did I fail to cross a T or dot an I?
DOUG
No. Nothing like that...
RALEY
Good, because I check all my Is and my Ts before I hand anything over to you. You won’t find better Ts and Is in this university.
DOUG
I wanted to talk to you, that’s all. Brother to brother.
RALEY
Okay, but there’s only one problem with that. You’re not my brother.
DOUG
Don’t be pedantic, Raley. Brother-in-law to brother-in-law, if you want to cross those Ts and dot those Is.
RALEY
Do we have to? It’s bad enough you’re the department head. You already own me. Marrying my sister doesn’t give you any bonus abuse points.
DOUG
Sure it does. Can we talk? I need to talk.
RALEY
Talk? To me? Like, talk? What about that therapist you’re seeing? Talk to them.
DOUG
Ah, they’re a waste of time and money...
RALEY
Then why go?
DOUG
Boy, do you have a short memory.
RALEY
You don’t have to...
DOUG
Of course I have to. The court ordered me to. I have to go.
RALEY
Well, it’s probably not such a bad thing. You threw roadkill through another driver’s window just because they overtook you...
DOUG
They cut me off!
RALEY
Then you hit him. You hit him with the bloody remnants of the animal that you had just thrown into their car. You do know that you’re quite scary, right? If I cut you off, I’d pull over and batter myself to death with a squirrel, just to save you the trouble.
DOUG
Come for a drink with me. Please.
RALEY
I just said no to Jenny. She’s younger than you, prettier than you and female. What do you have that she doesn’t?
DOUG
You’re sister. And we’re divorcing.
RALEY
(shocked)
Oh, my God! Really? You and Elizabeth are divorcing? Why? Why would you and Elizabeth divorce? You’re married...
DOUG
And that’s why we have to divorce. You see how those things come together, Raley?
RALEY
Oh, so now you’re hoping to endear me with sarcasm? Even Jenny didn’t go that far.
DOUG
Please. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to.
RALEY
Ah, now I really feel wanted...
DOUG
You know what I mean. Please. Come for a drink with me. Just the one. I promise not to let you get drunk.
RALEY
Really? Are you going to put a peg on my nose? Because I only have to smell alcohol and I’m dancing naked on the tables...
DOUG
One quick drink. Please. (teasingly) We can go to Benny’s.
RALEY
Are you..? You’re talking about divorcing my sister while trying to make me see that girl?
DOUG
That girl? You forgot her name already?
RALEY
Okay. One drink. If I miss my crying time, I’ll be hell to live with. I’m not comfortable with this, you know.
DOUG
We always talk about your sister.
RALEY
No, I mean doing things...out of order. I have an order to things. I finish work, go home and do my things.
DOUG
I know. And, to be honest, that’s still a little sad. You should be more spontaneous.
RALEY
I can’t do spontaneous. It’s too frightening. The last time I did spontaneous I almost fractured a nerve.
DOUG
So, will you come for a drink?
CUT TO BLACK.
CUT TO:
INT. A BAR - DAY
Raley and Doug enter the busy bar. It is a student hangout and there are students everywhere, just doing what students do.
RALEY
(above the noisy chatter)
This is very busy. I feel mildly oppressed.
They sit at couple of spare seats at the bar.
DOUG
Could you try and relax for once?
RALEY
In here? You want me to put my feet up on the bar and chew tobacco? You know I have social anxiety. If I get in a crowded room, I look for the nearest bed to hide under. I don’t mix well. If I were a cocktail, I’d be oil and water.
DOUG
Just sit down, will you?
The barman comes over.
DOUG(CONT'D)
Two boilermakers.
RALEY
Boilermakers? I came here for a drink, not as part of some suicide pact.
DOUG
I’ll tell you what. You don’t have to drink the damned thing. I will drink what you cannot. How’s that?
RALEY
Now I want to drink them just to spite you.
The bartender brings the drinks
RALEY(CONT'D)
(to the bartender)
Thank you. Just have a couple of paramedics standing by would you?
DOUG
For Christ’s sake! Just drink.
RALEY
In any particular order?
DOUG
Yeah. The wet one first.
Doug downs the whisky. Raley follows suit, but in a more sippy way.
RALEY
Holy cow! I can’t feel my toes already.
DOUG
So, me and your sister...
RALEY
Sure, go ahead. I’ll just let the poison seep through me. I thought everything was okay between you two, since the...thing...
DOUG
Nah! We tried but she doesn’t feel she could get over it and the whole dead animal thing was probably the final straw.
RALEY
Have you ever seen her again?
DOUG
Candy? No. Christ, no! She was just....you know...for sex...
RALEY
Oh, sure. I mean, once you get past the vagina, what is there? Offal. Just offal.
DOUG
Exactly. You know, they have been nothing but trouble since time began.
RALEY
(uncertainly)
What? Vaginas?
DOUG
Yeah. I mean, you’ve got Helen of Troy. That was a sex thing and a whole war blew up over that. Look at Cleopatra. She did Julius Casar and Mark Anthony. She had both of them by the...finances. That’s where the real power on this earth lies. Vaginas. If you have one of those, you’ve got it made.
RALEY
Well, that’s one up for the ladies.
DOUG
Think about it.
(he downs the rest of his beer and calls to the barman)
Two more please.
RALEY
Oh, no. Not for me. I have a weak bladder. It’s precarious. If I go just one millilitre too far I run the risk of an inner thigh tsunami.
DOUG
Drink it, don’t drink it. It’s up to you. You see, if you think about it, behind every famous man, there was always a woman.
RALEY
I think that’s called being married.
DOUG
I don’t mean just being married. No, I mean, that these women, they manipulate the man in power to get their own way. You’re a history guy...
RALEY
I am. I am a history guy...
DOUG
Look at any famous man and you’ll see what I mean. All the kings of England - Charles the First, bossy wife. Henry the Sixth, bossy wife.
RALEY
And don’t forget Henry the Eighth. If ever a man was pushed around by his wives...
DOUG
Exactly. They drove him crazy! It’s the same with the presidents. Nancy Reagan? Ronald Reagan couldn’t have done anything without a script in front of him and her prompting him when he forgot his lines. Hilary Clinton? Christ, who’d fuck with her, right? Michele Obama? You can’t tell me she wasn’t pulling the strings. She’ll be running soon, just you wait and see. None of these women would have been able to do this without a vagina.
RALEY
Because they’d be men?
DOUG
No, because that is what holds the key to power. Women have it all. They control men with sex, with their wily ways.
Doug leans towards Raley conspiratorially.
DOUG(CONT'D)
Me and your sister? We don’t anymore.
RALEY
You don’t? Don’t what?
DOUG
You know...sex...
RALEY
(repulsed)
Why would you tell me that? I never thought she did.
DOUG
Well, she did. Oh, boy! Did she ever!
RALEY
What?
DOUG
Oh, yeah. Surf and turf, if you know what I mean. Then she had the kids and gradually...I don’t know...she lost interest.
RALEY
You don’t think Candy and the dead squirrel might have had something to do with that?
DOUG
What kind of a fool are you? No! They were a consequence of that. If your sister had put out just once in while...
RALEY
Would you please stop?
DOUG
I’m just saying...Do you and Cressy still..?
RALEY
I can’t tell you that! Jesus! Some things are sacred. You can’t just poke your nose into another guy’s sex life.
DOUG
I don’t see why not.
RALEY
Because it’s private.
DOUG
So you do?
RALEY
What?
DOUG
You don’t?
RALEY
(reluctantly, sadly with an enormous sigh)
Not so much.
(beat)
We haven’t had sex for six years. Every time I take my trousers down, I think my appendix has fallen out.
DOUG
Six years? You must really like her.
RALEY
(pensively)
I don’t know. Sometimes I look at her and I wonder who she is. She’s so busy with her interior design business. Who is this stranger that shares my bed and uses the bathroom and cooks me food when she’s not out at one of her bridge nights..?
DOUG
Bridge nights?
RALEY
Yes, bridge nights. Socially, she’s very active lately. She plays bridge, tennis, joined a movie club, a book club...
DOUG
Oh! My God!
RALEY
What? What ‘Oh my God!’?
DOUG
She’s having an affair.
RALEY
That’s crazy! She doesn’t have time, what with the bridge and the tennis and the movies...
Doug stares at him wisely
RALEY(CONT'D)
Don’t be ridiculous. Why would she have an affair. She doesn’t even like sex.
DOUG
(beat. Pauses to stare long and hard at Raley)
Do you have a difficulty? They say geniuses are usually somewhere along the spectrum; maybe that’s the problem. You’re so insular, so self-involved. Of course she likes sex. She just doesn’t like sex with you...
RALEY
Okay. Enough. Really. This isn’t about me. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to you. You just turn it around and make your problem my problem.
DOUG
How is it my problem? My wife’s not having an affair?
RALEY
Neither is mine. Anyway, how do you know that? I know Elizabeth and if she wants to get her own back, she does. I remember when I broke her Barbie doll...
DOUG
How did you break her Barbie doll?
RALEY
I played with it too vigorously, but that’s not the point. You know what she did? She put superglue around every single number on my calculator. Every single number. That’s dedicated revenge. That’s targeting. I never messed with her again. She goes to the heart of it, I can tell you.
DOUG
So you think that she would have an affair out of revenge?
RALEY
She might have been having one already.
Jenny suddenly floats by.
JENNY
Hey, Professor Street.
RALEY
Jenny! Hi!
(flustered)
I’m with...He asked me to drink with him. It’s business. All business.
JENNY
(to Doug)
Hey, Professor Jenkins.
Doug does a mini-wave.
JENNY(CONT'D)
(to Raley)
That’s great. Have a nice time. Catch you later.
Jenny breezes away. Raley watches her go with a look on his face that is a cross between longing and the possibility that he might just kill himself.
DOUG
Unbelievable.
RALEY
What? What is unbelievable? She said hello. That’s all.
DOUG
That’s all? She all but sat in your lap.
RALEY
She was nowhere near my lap...
DOUG
It’s a figure of speech.
RALEY
Not my speech. Could we get back on subject. You and Elizabeth...
DOUG
We’re divorcing. That’s it. Finalamento.
(to the barman)
Same again here.
(to Raley)
That’s it. We are divorcing.
RALEY
Well, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do? You want me to talk to her?
DOUG
Christ no! She might change her mind!
RALEY
You don’t want her to?
DOUG
Good lord, no!
RALEY
Then why am I here?
DOUG
I thought you should know. You’re her brother.
RALEY
You said you needed to talk.
DOUG
I did. To you. To tell you. We’re divorcing.
RALEY
Aren’t you sad? Doesn’t it bother you?
DOUG
Honestly? It’s a relief. I'll be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Don’t you wish for that sometimes?
RALEY
No. Why would I wish for that?
Jenny passes by again. She smiles at Raley. He smiles back. He follows her as she goes by. He has the same look on his face.
DOUG
There you go again. Wouldn’t you like the chance to start over again?
RALEY
I don’t want to start over. It would be like Saturday night TV - repeats of all the programmes I tried to avoid the first time around. Just thinking about it makes me want to plug myself into the mains. If I could start again, I’d want to be two years old and be the youngest suicide on record. What’s the matter with you anyway? You should be past all this at your age.
DOUG
You don’t fantasise?
RALEY
Of course I fantasise. Only I fantasise about beer and what it would be like to be a pharaoh or what kind of sandwich I’d like.
DOUG
Are you lying?
RALEY
Of course I’m lying! But I know my limitations. I know that if I drive a car without my hands on the wheel, pretty soon I’m going to hit a wall.
DOUG
Does the wall have breasts?
RALEY
Any size you like.
They laugh.
RALEY(CONT'D)
Listen, I’m sorry, and not just because she’s my sister. It’s sad. Marriage should be a forever thing.
DOUG
I just wanted you to know. No hard feelings and all that.
RALEY
No. No hard feelings.
(beat)
You know I’ll have to take her side in this, right? If I don’t, she’ll superglue my eyes shut or something...
DOUG
Absolutely.
Doug finishes off his third boilermaker.
DOUG(CONT'D)
Okay. Rock and roll. I’ll go and...do whatever I have to. See you tomorrow.
RALEY
Wait. You’re leaving?
DOUG
Some of us have a home to go to.
RALEY
But...
DOUG
See you tomorrow. I think Little Miss Perfect is over there, if you were thinking about...
RALEY
I wasn’t. I’m going to finish my beer, wet myself with dignity and go on home to sit in stony silence with my stony wife.
DOUG Okay.
Doug gets up and gives Raley a tough slap on the back. Raley nearly slips from his chair.
DOUG(CONT'D)
See ya.
Doug leaves. Raley takes a quick glance around the room and spies Jenny. She is looking at him. She catches his eye and mini-waves. Raley cautiously mirrors the action, then quickly turns back to his beer. He still has two whiskies in front of him that he hasn’t managed to down. He looks at them suspiciously then thinks, the hell with it, and downs them both, one after the other. There is still a pint and a half of beer to go. He chugs the spare half and slumps with immediate regret.
RALEY
(to himself)
How do alcoholics do this? It’s such hard work.
JENNY
(O.S.)
Is Professor Jenkins gone?
RALEY
(startled, turns to the voice and talks rapidfire)
Holy hell! You’re like a ninja. A very pretty one, obviously, not one of those sinister ones with a star of death in his, or her, hand...yes, yes, Professor Jenkins has gone. He has to get divorced. Not now. Not this minute, obviously, that would be crazy, but he had to go, to see my sister. He’s my brother-in-law. He’s divorcing my sister.
JENNY
Oh, that’s terrible.
RALEY
I’m not so sure it is. He seemed quite content. And I’m pretty sure my sister will be happy. He threw a dead squirrel at someone and did stuff with...Candy.
JENNY
Can I sit down?
RALEY
Do you need the practice?
He laughs feebly.
RALEY(CONT’D)
I’m sorry. I’m a little nervous. Please, take a seat.
JENNY
Why?
RALEY
You just asked me...
JENNY
No, why are you nervous?
RALEY
I see. I’m sorry. You see this?
He sweeps a hand around the room. Jenny looks around and takes it all in.
JENNY
Sure.
RALEY
It’s killing me. I can feel my lungs being crushed by the pressure of so many people in one room. My heart is beating like a lame horse and my brain is slowly being eaten by the excessive, very excessive, input.
JENNY
Wow! You really like to share!
RALEY
I can’t breathe. That’s not sharing; that’s a medical emergency.
JENNY
I don’t get it. How can you stand up in front of a class of thirty students who would rather be anywhere but there and still be so enthusiastic and yet be so...
RALEY
Scared? Crushed? Oppressed? Drowning? Afraid?
JENNY
Okay.
RALEY
What happens when you take a fish out of water?
JENNY
It flaps. Oh, I get it.
RALEY
I’m sorry. I’ve never been good in social situations.
JENNY
That’s okay...
RALEY
Or crowds.
JENNY
Okay.
RALEY
Or outside my comfort zone.
JENNY
I get it.
RALEY
Good. I find it annoying.
JENNY
I believe you.
There is a moment’s awkward silence.
RALEY
You may go now. There is no need to stay in such an awkward place. That is the privilege of schizophrenics and politicians.
JENNY
I like you, Professor street. Can I stay?
RALEY
Sure. Just so long as people can see us, at all times.
(raises his hands like a recently disarmed man)
I’m just going to place my hands upon the counter here...
JENNY
You had better put your feet up there too. I find toes erotic.
RALEY
Oh, Lord!
JENNY
I’m kidding. Don’t worry so. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a student.
RALEY
Oh, there is. So many rules.
JENNY
Well, that just doesn’t seem right to me.
RALEY
No, no. It makes sense. Ask Gary Gray in Science and Technology what happens when you fraternise with students.
JENNY
What happened to Gary Gray?
RALEY
Well, he ‘fraternised’ with a student and that was the end of him. He just disappeared. It was like Russia in the cold war. There one minute, gone the next. Last thing I head he was selling books of matches on the streets of Chicago.
JENNY
Just for fraternising with a student?
RALEY
Yes. Absolutely. We’re not just talking about fraternising here, of course. I mean, there’s fraternising and there’s fraternising and he fraternised, a lot. At least five times, I heard.
JENNY
When you say fraternising, you mean sex, don’t you.
RALEY
(stares awkwardly at Jenny for a moment)
Yes. I do. I’m sorry, I thought you’d caught the subtle undertones...
JENNY
Oh, I did, but we’re not fraternising are we. We’re just fraternising.
RALEY
Tomato. Tomato. They both lead to a juicy salad, if you get my meaning.
JENNY
I don’t.
RALEY
That’s okay. I’m not sure I did.
JENNY
What’s your first name?
RALEY
My first name? It really is Professor, actually. My mother was a very formal woman.
Jenny laughs.
JENNY
No, really. What is it?
RALEY
Raley.
JENNY
Raley? Really? Raley? That’s unusual. Raley Street. It sounds like an address.
RALEY
It’s funny you should say that, because my mother tried to sell me to developers when I was five. She almost persuaded them to turn my head into a bungalow. Actually, it’s from the Old English ‘ra leah’, meaning a meadow for deer. You don’t get any more macho than that. Originally it came from Devon, in England. Like Sir Walter Raleigh, the famous sailor, which explains why I get seasick just turning on a tap...
JENNY
That’s an interesting story.
RALEY
It’s my best one. It’s all downhill from here. What about you? Jenny Summerleas? That’s a nice...summery...name.
JENNY
I inherited it from my parents.
RALEY
(laughing)
Really? All I got was a blueprint to turn my legs into a housing estate and an intolerance to the sound of squeaking rubber.
JENNY
You can inherit that?
RALEY
Apparently so but, strangely enough I love the smell, so I have block my ears while sniffing at it, just in case. It’s an affliction. Car showrooms are hell.
Jenny laughs sweetly at him.
RALEY(CONT'D)
What about Jenny Summerleas? Where do you come from?
JENNY
California. A tiny town called Quint.
RALEY
You left Quint in California to come here?
JENNY
It was too parochial. Everybody knew everybody else’s business. Brothers married sisters. Mothers married sons.
RALEY
There were many six-fingered boys and girls in Quint, I guess.
JENNY
And they were webbed. Like ducks.
RALEY
Yeah, but I bet they were great swimmers. You don’t miss it? It must have been warmer than here. It must have had...something.
JENNY
It had convention disguised as wisdom. It had a production line. You know, girl born, girl wears pink, girl meets boy at six, they marry at sixteen, she’s the mother of three by nineteen. Her life is over.
RALEY
That’s kind of sad.
JENNY
I escaped. That’s a happy ending. I made sure I did well at school, really well, and got the grades to enable me to come here.
RALEY
I guess you don’t miss it.
JENNY
I don’t miss it.
RALEY
So what will you do tomorrow and the day after that?
JENNY
I want to do what you do.
RALEY
Don’t say that out loud. They’ll take you away. What do you mean? You want to be like me?
JENNY
I’ve read all your books...
RALEY
All of them? And you’re not in a coma, hooked up to life support?
JENNY
No! I love your writing. You’re the reason I got into the whole history thing.
RALEY
Are you a stalker? I’ve always wanted my own stalker. I once put an ad in the local paper for a stalker and I got sent three Sherlock Holmes hats.
JENNY
No, I’m not a stalker. But I read ‘Egypt: Above and Below’ and it completely blew me away. Then I read ‘Kissing Cousins: The Wars of the Roses’...
RALEY
Oh, great book, lousy title. I had one eye on the market in the deep South with that one...
JENNY
And then I read all of them.
RALEY
Even the fiction?
JENNY
Are you kidding? The Hornet’s Sting? I didn’t stop crying for days...
RALEY
It made you laugh that much?
JENNY
Will you take yourself seriously? You’re a great writer.
RALEY
I am. I’m so great. I don’t sell any books and I have to teach full time to make any money, but I’m a writer. For sure. I’ve written over twenty-five books and each one, without exception, has failed to sell. I think I might have cornered the market in absence of sales. You know there’s a book out there about Tutankhamun’s shoes that has sold more copies than my books?
JENNY
Well, I bought your books. Every one of them.
RALEY
Well, thank you. It’s nice to know that someone was crazy enough to spend their money on them. You know, I always wanted to be an actor or a writer but I was forced by a lack of talent to take another course; straight into the tree of life. So what do you want to do with yourself?
JENNY
I want to travel the world and write history books. I want to learn something new every minute of every day. I want to make a difference. You made a difference to me, now I want to do the same for someone else.
RALEY
(with a bit of wonder)
That’s just crazy. God, I hope it turns out for you, I really do.
JENNY
Really Raley?
RALEY looks at his watch and is surprised at how quickly the time has gone.
RALEY
I should go. I have some dinner waiting for me that will turn to brown concrete if I don’t get home. It would be a shame to miss brown concrete night. It’s a highlight of my week.
JENNY
You can’t stay?
RALEY
I can, but then I’d just get grounded and I wouldn’t be able to go to work. You know how it is...
JENNY
Okay. Maybe another time.
Raley pushes the final glasses of beer and whisky aside. He hasn’t touched them. He gets up and wobbles slightly.
RALEY
There, you see. Two beers and two whiskies and I’m nothing but a jelly-legged historian. Goodnight, Miss Jenny Summerleas. Goodnight.
He heads towards the door.
JENNY
Goodnight, Raley Street. Goodnight.
She watches him go and then turns back to the group she came out with. They are all young, fresh-faced and eager. They have all had too much to drink and are the happier for it. One of them beckons her over. She looks back towards the door, then back at her friends and goes to join them.