James Honk

 

James Honk

Made rude noises

Just like all

The other boyses.

Farting, burping,

Spouting wind,

His human gales

Would ne’er rescind.

He’d hoot the teacher

With a guff

And scare the police

With thunder stuff.

He’d crack a good’un

On the bus

And watch his barking

Cause a fuss.

On summer days

He’d walk the field

Seeing what his

Bum could yield;

A squeaker here,

Ten pounder there,

Sometimes sans his underwear.

As long as he

Could let one go

His happiness

Was sure to flow.

And then one day

A dreaded thing!

His bottom could

No longer sing!

He tried to belch,

But nought emerged!

His only joy

Had been submerged!

Shunned by friends,

Who loved his noise,

They abandoned him

For other boys.

Off he went,

Doctor bound,

Said ‘Doc, I’m done!

I get no sound;

No groans or growls

From mouth or bum!

Not even rumbles

In my tum!’

The Doc thought hard,

The Doc thought long,

Ne’er before

He’d heard such wrong.

‘Now steady, boy,’

The Doc advised,

‘There must be sense

To such surprise.

To lose your wind

Just isn’t right;

What’s gorged by day

Gets stored at night.

And when day breaks

So does air.

Fear not my boy!

Do not despair!’

The Doc explained,

The best he could,

That what stored air

For sure held food;

‘If something’s stuck

Twixt mouth and butt

Then nothing moves,

The way is shut!

It’s blocked, you see,’

Said Doc all frowns,

‘Unclench your mouth

And I’ll look down.’

James gaped wide,

The Doc peered in,

Past teeth and tongue

And wiggly thing.

Then with a gasp

He stepped away,

His face a picture

Of dismay.

‘Oh, no,’ he screamed,

‘I can’t believe

The mass of stuff that

I’ve just seen!

A rabbit’s foot

A squirrel’s tail

A weasel’s nose

A nightingale

A fox’s ear

A whiting’s wing

A badger’s claw

A herring’s fin

A stoat,

A frog

New forest hog

A goose

A deer

A ferret’s ear

A mouse

A toad

A bit of goat

There’s everything that

Walks or floats!’

‘Oh, dear,’ said James,

With such alarm,

‘I must have swallowed

Half a farm!

I don’t know how

This came to be.

I don’t each much

When I have tea!’

The doctor paused,

Deep in thought,

How could such creatures

All be caught?

Then all at once

He saw it clear,

How one small boy

Could eat a deer.

‘The answer, child,

Is plain to see,

Now I know

You eat no tea!’

James cried out,

‘Tell me, Doc!

Before I go and

Eat a croc!’

The doctor sat

With earnest face

To tell the tale

That he had traced.

‘When you retire

And don’t eat tea,

Then deep inside

You’re hungry.

So up you get,

While not awake,

And off you walk

In search of cake.

But mum has

Put the cake away

To save it for

Another day.

So off you go

O’er hill and peak

In search of something

Good to eat.

A curlew here,

A pigeon there,

You’re still asleep

So you don’t care.

Anything that

You can stuff

Goes in your mouth

‘Til that’s enough.

But in the end

You’ve scoffed so much

There’s no room left

For all that stuff.

You’re full, replete,

Gorged, packed out,

From tippy-toes

To sniffy-snout.

My advice,

And heed this well,

Is eat your tea

And you will quell

The hunger that

Disturbs your sleep

No more you’ll need

To swallow sheep.’

So eat his tea

Young James Honk did

And ne’er again

His hunger slid.

And happily

He farts away

As dawn announces

Each new day.